Victor's Hope
by phayte1978
Summary: I might have NOTEBOOKED Victuuri... Totally hate myself for writing this... Yuri is losing his mind... Victor just wants his Yuuri.


"I remember it all, like it was yesterday. Back in my days you see, I was a professional figure skater. I won competitions all over the world… Oh wait? You want to hear how it all happen? Well sure! Let's go get a drink… have a seat." Holding his cup of apple juice, he sat on the plain couch, tv quietly on the back ground.

"So yes, back in my days we use to dance on the ice. Oh it was fascinating…" his eyes glaze over in remembrance. He sat staring off for some time. He could feel the bite of the ice against him, the sound of the skates gliding, the cheers from the crowd.

"Yuuri? Yuuri? Do you need to go lay down and rest?"

"No!" he sat up, clutching his cup to where the plastic started to bend and crinkle, a panic settling in. "No… I am ok. Just… telling a story."

"Ah, you are? May I sit and listen as well?"

He nods, looking at the man with aqua eyes and silver hairs. "You remind me of my late husband. I do miss him so much.. He was my coach you know?"

"Oh was he? You say… Late husband?"

Nodding his head, a smile breaking across his face. "I was just telling this nice man here all about it." he gestured towards the man sitting next to him.

"Well then Yuuri, please continue."

Sipping his juice, sitting up as straight as his old back would allow him, a slight hunch to his shoulders. "Ok… So yeah… he came to me one night. See, I had bombed out terrible at the Grand Prix… those are the big ones. You always wanted gold at those. I had gotten there and just freaked out so bad, I had lost. Well, I went home, debating what I was going to do with my life… he showed up. I was in a dark place, and when he came, he brought light back into my life.

He always told me I was the one to show him life and love. No, was not true at all. I should have told him more when he was with me. He came to me when I was at my lowest. I was overweight, anxious over everything, I did not know what I wanted to do with my life… he... always met me half way, was willing to give me more than I ever could give back to him. Sometimes… I wish…. I wish…" he started to choke up.

"Yuuri, why don't you lay down and we can finish this story later? Maybe it is a bit much for you today."

"NO! I said I can do this ok? Just… give me a minute. Let me drink my juice." Sitting back into the stiff couch, he sipped his juice. Hands were shaking. They always did when he thought about _him_. How much he wanted to say, how much he wanted to still do. Trying to will his hands to calm down, have his heart rate calm- a few deep breaths always worked. In and out… In and out… Through his nose, out his mouth. In and out…

"Ok… Ok… so anyway… he came to me… like a dream it was. Sometimes I feel like it was all a dream. Even then, I thought if I touched him, he would disappear on me. Like a cloud of smoke... He would disappear. The first few weeks he was there, I didn't want to touch him.. Or even talk to him. Scared if I did, he would leave. Oh but his charisma. If you could have seen it. I loved him before I ever met him… then later, he showed me what love really was.

You see, he gave _me_ love and life. He gave me a reason for life. I had been walking through the motions of it all… but I was not living itl. When he showed up, my life changed. I started living again. The sun shone brighter in the morning, the birds songs were the most beautiful thing I had ever heard…" sitting back, remembering when life started again, he sighed deeply. The shaking in his hands were calming down, his breathing was even again. Sometimes if he thought of _him_ it was better than any breathing exercise he did.

"Yuuri, do you need to go lay down?"

Shaking his head, he was lost in a memory of _him_. "There was this night… we were in Barcelona…I remember all I could think of... was I needed to show him what I could not say. I had lost one of his bags, I was really torn up over it… he did get upset over it though. We went walking through the lights. Oh they were magical. He never left my side. He told and showed me every day how much he loved me, yet I could never show him or explain just how much he meant to me.

I found these amazing rings. They were gold. Not just any gold. I had never seen gold like this before. They sparkled more than anything I could imagine. They were perfect. I did not care what they cost, I had to have them for us. I did not even think if he would accept them or not. Something inside of me knew he would. Something inside told me this was the right thing to do. That night was so magical. Barcelona is still one of my most favorite places ever. Reminds me of him… we went back many times. Even contemplated having our honeymoon there… wait wait… I am getting off track here.

We heard music that night outside a church. He dragged me in. I knew it was all perfect. We exchanged the rings... " Sitting back and remembering, he closed his eyes, rubbing the lower digit of his right finger, though nothing was there. Sitting back closing his eyes, he was getting lost again. Remembering _him_ he could be gone for hours over one memory. He only needed one memory. Never many of them. He was thinking back to that night, the ring on his finger, the ring on _his_ finger. The smile on _his_ face. Everything about _him_. _His_ hair, _his_ eyes, the way _he_ was taller than him, the way _he_ said his name. In his memory, he never reached out. He was afraid if he reached out, _he_ would disappear again.

"Yuuri? Yuuri?"

He could hear _his_ voice calling to him. It was _him_. He was reaching out, he could never get to him no matter what he did. He tried walking faster, the vision was getting blurry. He wanted to call out. His voice stopped working. The silver hair was getting further and further away. He could see _him_ turning and walking away. He tried again to call out. Watching _him_ continue to walk. Afraid if reaching out and touching _him_ , _he_ would disappear, he did it anyway. _He_ was gone. _He_ disappeared… again. He could feel his hands shaking again, the panic rising. Opening his eyes, he didn't know where he was. Jumping up, he was looking around the room. No one was there. He was alone again. _He_ left him alone.

"Yuri?!"

Victor sitting in the chair, saw Yuuri's expression changing. He knew he had lost him again. As soon as Yuuri jumped up, panicking, he knew he was gone, again. Taking Yuuri gently by the arm, he could see his eyes wildly darting at him. "Come on Yuuri. Let's go lay down ok?" Looking back over to Phichit, "Give me a few, I'll be right back ok? There is tea in the kitchen."

Taking Yuuri gently, he led him down the hallway. Stepping into a room he had for them, he sat Yuuri in a chair. Yuuri wasn't speaking and his eyes had a far off look to them.

"Yuuri? Can you hear me?" Yuuri was staring out the window. He knew Yuuri would not speak again for some time. Sometimes it was hours, lately it turned into days. He knew he could leave him there, then come back and he would not have budged. Watching Yuuri stare out the window, he tried cupping his cheek, missing how he would lean into it. Taking his hand back, he kissed his ring, then slipped the chain from underneath his shirt and kissing the gold band that matched. "Please come back to me Yuuri…" Yuuri never turned his head.

Walking down the hallway, he peaked into the room, "Yuuri is in his room." He didn't need to say anything else. He knew the nurse would go tend to Yuuri now.

Walking slowly back down the hallway, he saw Phichit in the kitchen with the water ready. He came in sitting down at the kitchen bar, putting his head in his hands. "Thanks for coming Phichit."

"Victor… I didn't know…"

Victor shook his head. "We didn't tell anyone. It started two years ago. At first he was forgetting his routines, we thought he was just under a lot of stress."

Phichit pulled out two mugs, setting one down for him and one for himself. Pouring water over the tea bags, pushed sugar in his direction. "Wait… was that the year he forgot parts of his Short Program?"

Victor nodded. "Yeah, we thought it was the stress. We were going to marry after the Grand Prix. Both of us proud to have made it in. He would tell me it was the stress from all the wedding planning and the competition, and I wanted to believe it, but there were signs at home as well. He would forget little things all the time. We even joked about it... until it progressively grew worse, very quickly... One morning he woke up and I found him out back, he didn't know where he was, or who I was… When it all came back to him, he said he couldn't explain it. So we went around to different countries, different doctors..."

He had to stop. It always upset him, he could have all the money in the world, he could buy the best, he could get the best doctors…

"There was nothing anyone could do. He is delusional and slowly losing his mind. They can medicate him… but nothing is going to stop it. We spent the last year building memories. As much as we could. He had a lot more good days then. So I took him everywhere he had ever wanted to go. I wanted to keep seeing doctors, but he begged me… begged me while he still had his mind to not waste it in test and labs."

"Victor… so today?"

"This was a good day. Most the times in the mornings... he at least talks. Lately he is reminiscing on his past… like he is an old man… that is what the doctors are figuring. I just want my Yuuri back. I wake up every morning and I get a small glimpse of him, he still smiles at me every morning, for just a moment, then it is like I can watch his mind shut off."

"Victor, you should have told us sooner. We could have helped."

"Helped?" He had to laugh. "Helped? How the hell can anyone help us? I took him to the top doctors all over the world. Now I have a nurse living with us and a doctor comes three times a week. If he gets any worse…"

"Victor… What can I do?"

"There is nothing anyone can do. We didn't tell anyone, and honestly, I was selfish in this. I know I should have reached out to his friends, but only his family is aware. That is why we stayed in Japan. It is quiet and familiar. The doctors think anything familiar is the best. Yuuri told me he wanted his last moments he could remember with me. Honestly, I just grasped every moment I could.

Even when it was getting bad, I would have mornings with him. He was always himself in the mornings. He would forget things, but he knew who I was. That was ok. I was ok with that. I was ok with him coming into the kitchen and forgetting why. I was ok with him looking for his skates thinking we had a competition that afternoon. Even one day I came home and he had our bags packed… He thought we were headed to Barcelona for the Grand Prix. He was anxious and couldn't find his costume. Then he couldn't remember which costume it was. Even then, he knew who I was. I could handle it."

Taking a deep breath, he got up and walked over to the counter. He had a crystal container. Popping off the lid, he got a small crystal glass, pouring the dark liquid in it. He knew it wasn't even lunch yet, but lately he found himself drinking earlier and earlier. As Yuuri slipped from him, more and more each day, he turned to the dark liquid, it made him keep his mind. Sipping it slowly, he looked to Phichit. "Do you want one?" Phichit shook his head. Going back over and sitting down, he brought his glass with him.

"It just got worse and worse. I know, I'm selfish, I keep him to myself here. I wake up every morning, hoping My Yuuri will be back. He hasn't been back in a month now. He is slipping further and further away from me. I don't know what I would do without him… I don't even leave the house anymore. I know if I do, it will the be moment he comes back, if even for a minute…"

Phichit walks around the kitchen bar, wrapping his arms around Victor. "Victor, damn man… I wish there was something we could do. You are not alone in this though. Let me help. Let your friends help. I know you are there for Yuuri, but who is there for you?" releasing his hug, Phichit took the glass from Victor, taking it to the sink. Victor didn't even have the strength to argue.

He was so tired these days. Not that he did anything, he was mentally tired. Spending his mornings with Yuuri, listening to him talk, listening to him talk about him, but not realizing he was right there, it wore on him. His afternoon he would sit in Yuuri's room reading to him, showing him their memory books. At one point last week, he thought he saw a hint of recognition in Yuuri's eyes. So he continued to talk about it, showing him the picture over and over, but Yuuri had slipped away.

"Thanks for coming by Phichit, but I think I am going to go lay down for a bit ok?"

"Sure, listen Victor, let me come back by tomorrow ok? You are not alone in this. Call your other friends as well. We are here for you. We miss you."

"Thanks Phichit. It means a lot."

Walking back down the hallway, he goes to Yuuri's room, the nurse sitting in with him. She sees him, standing up nodding to him, she leaves. He can see Yuuri is just staring out the same window he does every day. Walking over to Yuuri, he take's Yuuri hands and pulls gently, Yuuri stands and follows him. He helps Yuuri lay down then joins him. He can get Yuuri to cuddle to him at least. Though he knows Yuuri is not there. He runs his fingers through Yuuri's hair, knowing even now, it will help Yuuri fall to sleep.

"Yuuri, I hope you will come back to me… if even for a moment."


End file.
